Any Given Duel
by Chitin Titan
Summary: It's that really great episode -- which has been rehashed to death -- but with more pithy dialogue! (NOTE: If this entry seems familiar, it's because I removed my original for formatting and typo correcting.)



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    Disclaimer:: I do not own the rights to Yu-gi-oh. I do not stake any legal claim on the characters,
    plotlines, or concepts presented therein.
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    **Any Given Duel**
    **INTRO**
    *** On what appears to be a typical day, Yugi & Co. are wandering aimlessly and commenting
    *** loudly, in their usual fashion.
    [with child-like innocence]
    Yugi::Wow! I certainly do enjoy my increasingly gaming-centric lifestyle. It allows me to
    travel the world, unhindered by my convienently disposable family and school obligations!
    [with obvious speech impediment]
    Joey::On toppa dat, it helps us out in completing our chain of mundane quests...
    [with an almost crack-induced level of enthusiasm] 
    Tea::...and further justifies my semi-creepy adulation of a 14-year old midget!
    *** Suddenly, a figure appears from behind a tree! ***
    Inherently Evil Character Seeking Retribution::Hello there, I embody principles which only an
    2-year-old would object to.
    Yugi::But are you a bully who has wronged my friends?
    Inherently Evil Character Seeking Retribution::Hang on a sec...
    *** The evil-doer bluntly refers to Joey as a dog or dog-like individual. ***
    [helplessly]
    Joey::Whaazitz?
    Inherently Evil BULLY Seeking Retribution::Yes, I am now a clearly defined villain.
    [adopting a holier-than-thou attitude]
    Yugi::It's up to me to defend my much larger friend! And there's only one way to deal with a
    bully...
    [confused]
    Tea::Challenge him to a popular children's game?
    [ignoring her]
    Yugi::YU-GI-OHHHHHHHH!
    **THE DUEL**
    IEBSR::Pardon?
    Yami::Nothing. Please disregard my marked change in both voice and height.
    Yami & IEBSR::DUEL!
    IEBSR::Since it's early in the match, I'll play supposedly intimidating monster card, and
    combine it with ordinarily useless magic card to create a ferocious beast!
    [with his indecipherable accent]
    Joey::Kick his butt, Yug!
    [shouting needlessly]
    Yami::Since it's early in the match, I will seemingly lose all comprehension of the term
    "defense mode" and play incredibly sucky monster card, in attack mode!
    *** Yugi's weak monster is easily destroyed. ***
    [gnashing his teeth audibly]
    Yami::Grrr.
    [in his mind]
    Yugi::He's good. He knows every aspect of this game. Like... attacking and, uh... using cards
    labeled "Magic".
    [cackling maniacally and prematurely]
    IEBSR::Your life points have been slightly reduced, and my victory is imminent! I will now
    recount my life's story in lurid detail.
    Tea::Don't let him psych you out, Yugi!
    *** After a painfully long series of flashbacks... ***
    [wistful]
    IEBSR::...and after my third wife's death from the same mysterious disease, my brother was
    horribly murdered. Oh, and then there's the accident that left me bankrupt and
    grotesquely disfigured...
    [enraged]
    Yami::I've heard enough of your stories! No amount of widowing, murder, or disfigurement could
    possibly take precedence over my moral objections. For you see, nauseating brochure for
    faith and friendship.
    Tea::Don't let him psych you out, Yugi!
    [flatly]
    IEBSR::Oh, and I question your belief system.
    [bellowing]
    Yami::How DARE you question something as fundamental as the belief that true power can only be
    derived from my unseemly fascination with inanimate objects!!!
    IEBSR::Your reasoning seems a little suspect, that's all.
    [struggling to form a coherent sentence]
    Joey::Ya know, he's got a point, Yug.
    [turning sharply]
    Yami::Shouldn't you be providing comic relief or something?
    Joey::I've already used the phrase "kick butt". What more do you want from me?
    Yami::Enough talk. Time for my obligatory mid-episode turnaround! For I summon... THE DARK
    MAGICIAN to destroy supposedly intimidating monster card in one mighty blast!
    *** IEBSR's monster is destroyed in a less-than-mighty blast. ***
    *** Yami smirks. ***
    *** Yami clenches his fist. ***
    *** Yami chuckles ruefully. ***
    [Having exhausted his full range of emotions, Yami stands there awkwardly]
    Yami::Uh... aren't you going to make your next move so I can deride it mindlessly?
    IEBSR::Very well. It's time to use incredibly masterful combo that destroys all of Yugi's
    monsters except the Dark Magician!
    Yami::Hmm.
    [in his mind]
    Yugi::Holy $@&%!
    [getting high on his/her own superiority]
    IEBSR::There's nothing you can do, Yugi! Take your LAST TURN.
    Yami::Oh, I'll take my LAST TURN alright.
    *** After 20 minutes of mind-numbing introspection... ***
    Yami::...And now to draw the card that will BEGIN my... LAST TURN.
    [rolling his eyes]
    IEBSR::Ugh.
    *** Yami examines the card minutely. ***
    [Pointing his finger, but not in a poor-substitute-for-a-handgun kind of way]
    Yami::You dueled well, IEBSR, but I've just drawn the one card I need to perform...
    Lucky-Ass Combo, That More Often Than Not Involves The Dark Magician!!!!
    IEBSR::Lucky Ass Combo, yadda yadda yadda?! Although it sounds highly improbable, no one has
    ever done THAT before! ...And I find your exclamation marks excessive.
    [roaring]
    Yami::That's because I substitute yelling for personality!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    *** The field is lit up as IEBSR's ultimate monster is vaporized, along with his/her lifepoints. ***
    Tea::Don't let him psych you out, Yugi!
    **EPILOGUE**
    Yami::And now, while your spirit is crushed, I will delight in lecturing you on why you lost.
    Yami::blah blah blah Heart of Cards...
    [in his mind]
    Yugi::I'm the luckiest bastard alive.
    Yami::blah blah blah Revenge is bad...
    Yami::blah blah blah Friends are good...
    IEBSR::This must be that "Mind Crush" I've heard so much about.
    


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